25 December is one of the hardest days of the year for me. I took the focus off it being "Christmas Day" as much as I possibly could. I was due a Facebook-free day, anyway.
I think that it is widely known that Christmas is a difficult time of year for those with mental health issues, but funnily enough, it feels as if everyone else was looking forward to Christmas, which is interesting, as so many of our friends also suffer from depression, anxiety, etc. Does everyone else just pretend to love Christmas, but secretly dread it?
I can't help feeling that it is worse for childless people (once at the age when having children is the norm, I mean). I am quite sure that positive thinkers will find a million ways around this, but the reality remains that Christmas is a time for families, and if you are thirty-eight (or fifty - Colin's age), this would normally include children - even grandchildren, which, incidentally, would not make me feel "old", but normal, balanced and happy. I know that I should have a daughter, early twenties, who could potentially have her own children now. Most people don't view Jessica as real, but I feel her with me every day, and that connection is real. She is my spirit daughter, the child I would have had if I hadn't been bullied by my parents and the doctor into taking the "morning after pill", after I lost my virginity through rape (stranger rape) when I was seventeen years old. I get so depressed, because I always felt, in my heart, that that could well be my only chance of ever conceiving a child, and so it is turning out...:-(
No comments:
Post a Comment