Tuesday, 31 January 2012

Avril Lavigne - Unwanted

The last week in "Paula World"!

Where do I start?  Good or bad?  Well, last week I got out four times in one week, starting with the hairdressers on the Monday.  For those of you who know about my struggles with agoraphobia and chronic physical health issues, you will appreciate that this was a huge step for me.  All were very local trips, and the first was the "biggest deal", but yes, it was a pretty big achievement.  And I felt so much better.

But the "crash" had to come, with my "time of month" and tiredness, IBS issues etc "catching up" with me.  Now I am struggling.  A lot.  Being absolutely honest, I am depressed, and have been depressed throughout, and the racing thoughts never stop.  Whilst getting out and about, the distraction factor kept me going.  Now - it is going to be hard - which doesn't mean that I intend to give up, as it won't be long before my period is finished, and then I hope to carry on where I left off, in terms of getting out and about.

I am not writing poetry.  I haven't written anything at all, apart from Facebook status updates and occasional Tweets!  Until now - so a blog post is also a "positive".  I also managed to read some poetry earlier, which I haven't been doing enough - Sophie Hannah, love her!!! :-)

I might add some more music videos to my blog soon.  If I visit You Tube whilst logged into Google, I can actually "like" my favourite videos on there, which I only discovered by chance.  Guess that Google own, or have something to do with, You Tube???

More from me soon, hopefully. xxx

Friday, 13 January 2012

Friday 13...

Scary!  Things weren't exactly going to well as it was.  But do I really believe...?  Thirteen is actually regarded as lucky in Wicca!  I'm still not entirely okay about the number, but I don't worry as much about that now.  But I still worry about Friday 13...

But I did just see the most amazing crow in the trees, from the kitchen window - so big and beautiful.  He looked straight at me.  I miss the wild crows and jackdaws at Marwell Zoo.  Colin and I used to be annual members and go there on a regular basis - as well as Birdworld and, at one point, Blue Reef Aquarium.

I haven't left the flat since the start of November.  I went around to try to collect a parcel of ours from the next-door neighbours (who weren't in by then, and one of them brought it over later.)  It was my Netbook - my birthday present - which is how I know that we're talking about the start of November!!!  Days, weeks, months merge into one another, and life drifts on.  I don't want to bore anyone with details of my specific physical or mental health symptoms, though - serves no purpose. Before that, I went to the dentist - felt that I couldn't cancel for what would have been the third time.  And before that, it was the hairdressers...Guess my hair looked good for the dentist and his wife, then!!!  I know that I really do need to break the cycle, but each time that I'm nearly there psychologically, my body "chucks out" the most awful symptoms.  I am going crazy, though.  But I don't know how I will deal with social situations, either.  I wasn't exactly coping, in that respect, before.  I am terrified of telephones.  I don't currently talk to anyone apart from Colin - except for online.  If it wasn't for the internet, I would be completely isolated, and I am so grateful for our computers.  It isn't an ideal situation, but at least I have some contact with the outside world.

Right, I'll shut up now!  Love and peace to you all. xxx

Wednesday, 11 January 2012

Oh no!

Tummy has got really bad again.  It's disheartening and starts to get me down - so have to distract myself somehow!  In truth, it's never really right these days.  :-(

But other people have problems too, and there is no point in moaning too much.

Blogged some "Grange Hill" clips yesterday - yay! :-)